MIND- BODY- SPIRIT- Where I am Today-The Beginning..

I am supposed to start typing anything that comes to mind. I was told my spiritual part of me is drained. And this is my destiny. I am a writer, and author, a poet. I am here to help others. I have to admit all these things I feel innately inside myself, so I know it’s true. I used to have a passion for sunsets, a passion for feeling happy, and alive. The past few years it has dwindled down. Fast forward to today, I simply feel as best I can put…like an empty egg shell. I see the sunset but cannot connect with it, or anything around me. I gaze at the full moon, but lost the feeling of butterflies in my stomach when I do so. Asking the universe for help is now a task I don’t want to take time out to do so. Whereas before, it was beautiful, and full of light, and I was immersed in this feeling of connection all around me. I feel now, disengaged with my higher self.

I left town not too long ago. Something I love to do is always go. Go somewhere. Anywhere. And I felt free. Happiest I had been in a long time. I could of stayed and kept going. Maybe I would of found my spirit again. But I came back home. Ad things got worse. I am angry all the time, I am short with people. I am drained in every way, and I do not take pleasure in anything anymore. Maybe I feel the universe let me down somewhere. And for that I am resentful. Maybe who I am with is too much to handle. Maybe this life I’m living is not mine and I do not fit or belong in it and my spirit knows this.

Something just isn’t right. Disconnected all around. Haunting me that I am far away from myself. And the thing that kills me is I cannot write about these things. I cannot share it. Because I am the women in fitness who projects happiness, strong mind and body & absolute health. Even when my inner self is crumbling. But this is the truth. This is life. This is all of us at some point? So why should I be unable to say what is happening with me? People will love me for it or hate me? Do I really care? I ask myself. My answer is yes I do care, because my destiny is to help people. This is true and right. I want to help those who need it. It makes me feel good. It makes me connected somehow. SO should I throw caution to the wind and put my short stories out there in the world? Change direction? These words seem to be coming to me faster than I thought. As I type this all feels so right. I wonder how many people have lost their spirit. Or even know they have? Or do know but have no idea how to reconnect?

How many people are out there like me right now trying to find solace in the night? Gazing at the stars, praying for help. Praying and begging the universe for direction and comfort and healing and connection? How many? Will my words help? Will my heartbreak help? Will my disconnection from my spirit help someone? I wonder. Falling in love when I was younger opened my soul up to feeling new things, seeing the life around me in new ways, and in turn started me on my path for writing poetry, enjoying reading poetry and stories of love and wonder. It made me who I was for many years, most of my life. Some things over time have forced me to halt this. But lately I feel the presence of my spirit lurking around me, pushing on me to get back to her, shaking me until I say ok.

So today...August 3 2015, will be day 1. I will recommit myself and work hard every day at this. I will find a way back. Even if right now it seems silly. Immature and ridiculous. I am going to give it 100%. I will start with mental meditations or affirmations each night before bed. Read up on things I connect with. And I will write. I will write my heart out! Poetry, long stories, short stories, all of it. So this is the beginning…